s0lutions

            Your son or daughter has just told you “I’m gay,” or “I’m a lesbian.” The news can bring a rush of emotions. It could be a discussion you hadn’t anticipated. But you’re probably your child’s strongest support system. He needs your understanding and unconditional love. Whether the news is a surprise or you’ve surmised it all along, remember that your child is still the same person he was before sharing his sexual orientation.

Common fears:

No matter what the circumstance, learning about your child’s sexual orientation may make you feel resentful or bitter. Guilt, anger and sorrow are all common emotions. You might grieve for the wedding and grandchildren you won’t be able to celebrate with your child. You might worry about whether your child will face discrimination or if she’ll end up alone. Questions about safety, especially in the face of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, might loom large. Although it can be painful, it’s necessary to discuss those issues.

Remember that your child is not trying to punish you. It is not likely that anyone chooses his or her sexual identity or that anyone is to blame for homosexual orientation. The cause is unknown at this time, nor is the exact percentage of Americans who are homosexual. Just know that your family is not alone.

Dealing with your emotions:

Work on positive aspects of your relationship with your child without focusing on the “what ifs.” The process of absorbing, understanding and accepting the news can be long and slow. But maintaining open communication and finding support can help ease any fears or confusion.

Look for reading materials on the subject and ask your child if she can recommend any. Talk with her about any fears or concerns either of you may have. Consider attending a support group such as Parents, Families, Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). If you feel you need professional help to deal with your feelings, seek out a therapist you feel comfortable with.

Be prepared for questions about your adult child’s social life. But only discuss your child’s sexuality with others after you feel comfortable with it and after obtaining his permission. Lean on understanding friends for support while you work on accepting the reality of the situation. Most importantly, continue loving your child. This can be a chance for your relationship to grow.